Elaborating struggles – Part 1

Dear readers,
I’d like for apologize for the inconsistency of my posting, and for the fact that recently I’ve been whining and complaining about personal stuff rather than posting constructive content. The truth is, a lot has been going on in my mind in the past month or so.
I haven’t really been stressed, but I’ve definitely been experience a certain level of frustration due to a couple of factors: my job situation, and my relationship with myself (which will be explored in a separate post).

I think I’ve mentioned that I have a job walking dogs which I love (when I tell people what I do, the most common response is, Wow, it must be your dream job – and it sure is). However most days when I get back home after work I feel like I’m 13 years old and I’m making pocket money by walking the neighbour’s dog after school. My employer has a long-term plan that sees me becoming a part of the business, being assigned my own area of the city, finding my own clients and making this a full-time occupation. This sounds good, however she made it very clear that it will take years before it happens, and in the meantime I’m making $100 a week that I have to decide if I want to spend on grocery or to pay our electricity bill.

Now, it’s not really about the money (although I do miss being financially independent), what I miss the most is stability.
I know what you’re thinking: What? Stability? You? The crazy head who moves to a different country every other year? The one whose ultimate dream is to live in a van?
Well, yes. I still want to live in every country in the world, but once I am in a country I do need stability. It stresses me out a lot not knowing when and where I’m going to work next, what hours I’m going to do, how much I’m going to get paid and when. As much as I love petting dogs, I don’t like having to call my employer every Sunday night to ask her for my schedule for the week. I never know what days I’m off, sometimes I plan my day and dogs get cancelled or added at the last minute, and on top of all this I don’t have a steady income.
I never thought I would say this, but I long for a routine. I’ve been carefree long enough. Now all I want is a fixed schedule, at least 30 hours of work a week, and decent money in my bank account.

Bottom line: I’M NEVER HAPPY. I know. And this would lead me to my second point – how I’m dealing with my messy self – but again this post would be too long. In the meantime I just wanted to throw some questions out there, which I’ve been mulling over for a while now, and I still haven’t found an answer to.

How the fuck do you deal with being constantly dissatisfied? Should you keep on hunting for more, or simply settle for what you have and accept that you don’t always get what you want in life? Is it ok to always feel like you could do better? I always thought that not feeling 100% fulfilled was a great prompt to push myself to look for more, but what if it means that I’m actually… Never happy?
Does any of this make any sense?

If anybody out there knows how to deal with all this, I’d very much appreciate some help. And thanks for bearing with me.

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3 thoughts on “Elaborating struggles – Part 1

  1. These are heavy questions and I certainly don’t have them all figured out. But I have this thought about never being happy: I doubt that this is a permanent state or an unchangeable feature of your psychology. Were you dissatisfied with life as a child? I would think of dissatisfaction as a symptom of there being a mismatch between what you feel you’re capable of and your situation. Maybe that’s obvious – but I mean as opposed to being ‘wired’ in an unhappy way. Also, there probably is a level of satisfaction you can reach where you no longer feel the mismatch, like the edge between what you can do and what you are doing. You’ll balance there, happy, until you again feel that you can do more – but (I’m guessing) there will be enough time to just enjoy the edge.

    I also think it is always worth trying to improve what you have, even incrementally, and remember that intelligent, thoughtful, kind people like you tend to come out on top (eventually). 🙂

    1. Aaah, words of wisdom. Thanks Meri! I think I’m overall a happy and grateful person, and I’ve always strived to achieve the best I can, and yes you’re right the reason why I’m unhappy is because I feel I could do much more. It’s just that normally it doesn’t take * that * long for me to create a situation where I’m satisfied and recently I’ve been very edgy and struggling a bit with the fact that sometimes it’s harder to get to my happy place but I guess I should accept that and keep on working hard! 🙂

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